A Message by George Carlin (A MUST READ)

This is a master piece. If you have not read it, take the time to read it now. If you have already read it, take time to read it again! Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. A Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider x-press ways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorces, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, over-weight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send or recommend this to at least 15 people....Who cares? Love All, Animesh

Mission Accomplished

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'

40 TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Sleep for 7 hours.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

5. Play more games.

6. Read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink plenty of water.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

18. Smile and laugh more.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.Don't hate others.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Forgive everyone for everything.

26. What other people think of you is none of your business.

27. GOD heals everything.

28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

32. The best is yet to come.

33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

34. Do the right thing!

35. Call your family often.

36. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

37. Each day give something good to others.

38. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

40. Last but not the least, Don't worry, be HAPPY.

Husband's Nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"She frowned and said, "The postman.""Why the postman?""Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Godfather's Lawyer ( Joke )

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it at the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again, where is my damn money!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Humor Specials

The success of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens,we have to keep going back and begin all over again. [1] No Love Bite A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her."Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight."And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room."Where are you going?" she asked."Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth." [2] Travel Special A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.He told me I would fly from New York to London.Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?"He told me "That is why we give you 21 days." [3] Return of Wife A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back." [4] Engineers What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?Mechanical engineers build weapons.Civil engineers build targets. [5] Call Back Later A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit.She instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy's phone all the 3 times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. (Women!!)She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site immediately. When at last she sighted him, she gave him a very tight slap, while the man was trying to ask why?She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him, when he called. Junior said "The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please, Try Again Later". [6] Wish Comes True A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!”

humOUR

The picture of the first dog depicts a scene of today before the salary, while the second picture shows tomorrow after the salary, but it still remains............A DOG. Ha!!

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Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said, "I'll tell you mine. I married an old widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems!!

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One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and asked the bartender: "What all do u have"? Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc etc.” Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first; give me 5 bottles of whisky". After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord Shiva decided to try Rum. Bartender was shocked: "Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet and wants rum!!". After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer. After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin. Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him: “Sir, who are you?? I’ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you???” Lord Shiva : "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain". Bartender : AB CHADHI ISKO!!!

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Life After Death

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?" EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied. BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your friend's funeral, “He came here looking for you " .....................!!!!!!

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HR STRATEGIES

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked sheepishly at her, smiled and told... ... ... ... "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"